lasciato le parole fluiscono

one of two things will happen...
either he'll finally realize you're worth it,
or you'll finally realize he's not..


so true..
i miss home. 
soon enough though, soon enough.
mm i love qdoba. its fun.

 fo fo fo fo fo fo fo fo fo fo fo fo fo.  need you. cant wait to be home for a little bit atleast. <3 

Dear Jason,
  I was on the train back to school after this past weekend. My music was on and songs that played that made me think to much. A person can do a lot of thinking in a span of four and a half hours. Personally, all I thought about was you. I sat and thought about my problems and my worries and my hopes and fears of course. All of the ones that revolved around me and you. I have it on my mind too much and probably way more than you do. Which is perfectly fine because we have already talked this out and decided on being friends. And you should know that I completely understand and, more importantly, fully agree with that decision. I found that I would rather have you as just a friend than not have you at all. Because if you didn't know, I love hanging out with you. So, back to the music and train.. I messed up. Again. for the three hundredth time. And, you might sit there and say "It's okay Cady, it happens to all of us." Like you say EVERY other time. but this time i am not looking for forgiveness. I dont know how you put up with me or why, but i am glad that you do. I feel the need to explain myself and what i did on saturday. I was upset. not at you not at anyone from home. i had gotten a call from a friend from school about a stupid thing that happened that obviously had to do with me. I was upset and thats when i was talking to chappi and then tried to basically drink it off. It turned into anger. i was kinda bitchy to other people and i was REALLY bitchy to you. We're friends and I KNOW that but i guess ontop of the thing that happened at school, too many things were going wrong all at once. This is my fault, the big green jealousy monster came out of me when i sat there and saw you with someone else. not because i still like you and not because i wished it was me. more that i kinda wasnt used to seeing someone in the position i had ALWAYS been in at those parties. i was the one you turned to. I just watched the whole night being played out as if i was off to the side. And i try to hide my anger and jealousy and impatience and unkind words but when i drink my word vomit comes out. the simple stuff that just skims the surface. while i keep all the things that dive down under the surface inside. because i know that you get the picture. but you dont. because you have no problems. youre a guy. im a girl is too emotional and stupid. but in the end. i realized i have to put on a smile for you. because if i dont the only one being hurt, bothered and annoyed by it is me, not you. 
FRIENDS yes. ill fake a smile so you wont see. 
 Love always,
Cady






^the words i couldnt say^

interesting. crazy. horrible. awesome. dramatic. CRAZY. weekend.
yeah i said crazy twice. and yes one is in all capitals. 
all in all, i realized a lot of things this weekend that i didnt notice before.
some changes will be made. indefinitely. for good reasons.
AND most importantly, for myself and not for other people.
going home next weekend. and i can't wait..
some volleyball and some homeland parties. the best ones.
i cant wait. i love home. i appreciate it more that i am not there all the time.
i appreciate the people too. and what they have done for me.
and what they have taught me. good or bad. home is what made me.
i wouldnt change it for the world. i used to think i wanted to but not anymore.
ill change some things but i dont want to change my past even if it was possible.
ill be fine. ill make it. no matter what anyone says.

Things are on their way.
i'm sorry, but i have to distance myself if this is going to work.
well, if my calculations are correct.
its all a big calculus problem and i'm not doing so well in that class soo i could be wrong.
but, no, really. i think i know what i'm doing.
things need to be like this. 
its the only thing that makes the world spin in the right direction, at the right angle, in the right plane.
and maybe, just maybe, if i get this right, everything else will fall into it's place.
i cross my fingers and everyone else should for me. 




"Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. 
Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us. 
That doesn't make you a bad person. It just means your heart's too big."
-Riding In Cars With Boys

 Alright?
I guess I am starting to put it all together.
What I have gathered is that everything is falling apart.
ironic?

I have tried with you.
Now, I'm the one IMing you and trying to talk to you. 
For more than FIVE minutes.
And, about something more than "hey how are you".
Which shouldn't take five minutes to get through anyway.
Is it like payback or something?
Should I not be complaining because I deserve this?
I don't know, I didn't think that it was like that.
And if this is what it's gonna be like then I don't want it anymore.
It is sort of hypocritical of you.
 And the funny thing is I can't say I didn't think this would happen.
At the same time, you could have just straight up told me.
Told me that you didn't even want to try.
Because you were different at first, you were all for it.
I don't know what happened.
but, you don't seem to care so, should I?

I am different.
It's still hurting me. 
I still feel sickened by it.
I can't let anyone in anymore.
Actually, the one I thought I could let in isn't even working. 
My stomach hurts and I haven't been able to eat since Thursday morning.
My body hurts and it is so tired all the time.

I'm not going to nationals anymore. 
I don't think I can afford it.
I'll get a job this summer and just work.
work. work. work. work. work.
Then go to Europe with my cousin next year.
Because friends change, plans change, people change.
Nothing with ever be perfect and nothing will ever stay the same.




Because that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the hell did I jump? But here I am falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly... is you.

 something has happened to me, something i never thought would. and no one seems to thinks its that bad. but i just want to die.

 vegetarian is good. i think im gonna do it even after lent ends. i feel healthier. love it. could still lose a few pounds though.

my mom keeps on hassling me about going to this model thing. I DONT WANT TO MODEL. how many times do i have to say it. it reminds me of the crazy thing that happened on americas next top model when the girl says that high fashion isnt her thing and wanted to leave the show. kinda me. i dont need huge name clothes that cost more than the food i eat in a week. i dunno. no modeling for me. i dont need more people telling me how pretty or ugly i am. 

 Hey Strep,

Go away.

Love Always,
Cady

school's school...

i hate america and bush and the lies they are putting into our heads. and the things that they are making us believe so that we wont question their false integrity. everyone in power is in on it. Everyone thinks it is just easier to turn your heads and not listen or pay attention to the reality of it all? WELL START LOOKING cause you are missing everything. STUPID STUPID STUPID brainwashed people of america. it is all a scam. all fake. all for power and money.

watch these. they are long but believe me, they are worth it:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5547481422995115331

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8677389869548020370&q=oils+smoke+and+mirrors&total=18&start=0&num=20&so=0&type=search&plindex=0



LOVE LOVE

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